uniquely selfish...

As I prepare myself for my very first bodybuilding contest, I have had many thoughts regarding the physical changes that come along with this commitment. For one, I have been on the heavier side for most of my life, so naturally, working out was a way for me to lose the fat. Second, I would not exactly say that my self-esteem and confidence are bursting through the roof all the time. I believe there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I have yet to find this line, or even come close to it. I feel that I am a pretty humble person, and the thought of flattery or glorifying myself pretty much gives me goosebumps.

Now here lies the problem. Bodybuilding is a very vain and selfish sport. It is always about yourself, how you look, and what you need to do. There is no one to blame except yourself, and you are your entire team. This is the main reason that I have such a huge passion for this sport, because I cannot blame anyone for my misfortune and because of the high level of physical and mental demand that this sport puts you through. However, in my case, there is a slight tweak in the entire process. What if you care about how other people feel or think? Yes, this is unhealthy. Yes, I should not worry about what other people think or say. But, it is human nature to feel the desire to please others. Therapists, friends, family and everyone else will tell you otherwise, but I do not know anyone who can honestly admit that they did not care about what other people thought of them.

Preparing for a contest is basically two stages, bulking up and cutting down. You bulk up by eating a ton of food, lifting heavy weight, and basically attempting to get your muscles as big as possible. Cutting down is much harder, as you cut many foods from your daily plate, and do endless amounts of cardio. However, the end result of cutting down is the physique that you have always dreamed of. Six-pack abs, defined arms, etc. Bulking up, on the other hand, generally gives the illusion of someone who is out of shape, physically. The excess calories needed to put up with the stress of heavy weights and to put on muscle all generally lead to one thing. FAT! It is nearly impossible to gain muscle without putting on a little bit of fat. This is what worried me the most for some reason. The past few years attempting to get as lean as possible, down the drain in the 4 months of bulking up. I admit, I have always had this obsession with staying lean, and would do whatever it took to maintain it. Whether it was 6 days of cardio a week, or eating just the right amount to guarantee that I would not gain weight.

I have only bulked up once in my life, and got up to 215 pounds. I remember how uncomfortable it got, and looking at past pictures, I did not look like the workout freak that I was. I looked more like a fast food junkie, than a gym rat. Was I ready for this type of transformation again? That was the lingering question that I kept asking myself, until one day the obvious hit me. Who do I really need to worry about during this entire time? The only person that appearance matters to is plain, selfish ME! I did not get where I was, made the friends that I made by the way that I looked. My friends and family have somehow grown to like me for what I know, how I made them feel, and for the influence and impact that I have made on their lives. Never did they like me for my waist size, it was always for what I brought to them.

Now that I figured out my own problem, I started paying more attention to people and their physiques. Yes, a bit weird, but bear with me. I started observing everyone more closely. Their physical attributes and appearance. The people who were pear shaped, ripped like models, or skinny as a pole. Everyone had their own unique appearances, and it was a bit intriguing. Our current society is so obsessed with altering their physical appearance, that no one really appreciates what we were given. A bit sad, if you ask me. Some people will bust their butt in the gym, eat right and everything, but in the end, never acheive their ideal look. Then there are other people who will cut themselves open and "make" themselves look different. But I believe that it is our collective uniqueness that makes us all so interesting. Admit it, you enjoy sitting around people watching too.

Where am I going with all of this? In my own personal dillemma of worrying about "getting fat" during my bulk, I realized that it was my own selfishness that was holding me back from accomplishing this latest goal. My friends and family love me for being unique from everyone else, not because I am like everyone else. And now that I realize all this, its time to eat yet again. Can't grow without fuel, and food = fuel.